Entries Tagged 'fashion police' ↓

First, you should know that this was my first Ken doll:

That is not my actual doll. I found that picture on a website that’s a real testament to the power of the Internet. But that’s not the point.

The point is that in this photo full of stand-out individuals — the idyllic Natalie Portman in an iffy red-orange frock, Jason Schwartzman being ineffably Schwartzmanesque, Roman Coppola aping Wes Anderson’s 1970s fashion sense and feeling disproportionately pleased with the result, Owen Wilson out in public for the first time since The Incident and hiding his wrists — it is critically acclaimed actor-turned-rapper Adrien Brody who is so clearly that which does not belong.

For chrissake, the guy is wearing an iridescent suit — possibly made of actual satin. He had to see it, try it on, have it tailored to fit, and choose to wear it to this event. And yet he looks completely aloof, as if he’s unaware of and not at all interested in what he’s wearing, or, for that matter, that he’s on a stage.

He looks exactly like a middle school skater boy being told for the fiftieth time not to wax the benches by the bus turnaround — only dressed up in a show choir costume.

A few years back my grandfather married a relatively hip South African lady and one of the most memorable things about this woman was her penchant for casual one-piece denim jumpsuits such as the one Alicia Keys is modeling above. At the time (this was in 2003) I forgave her questionable fashion choices because we were in South Africa and I chalked it up to cultural differences, not wanting to place any criticism upon a country still mending from apartheid. She was also really nice to me and made good food. Now she’s stealing my inheritance so it’s an entirely different story, one that far surpasses kindness, cuisine, and fashion transgressions.

But anyway, I digress. The point is, I will not forgive Alicia Keys if she helps perpetuate this horrible fashion trend. Don’t get me wrong.. she actually almost pulls it off (the legs might be a little too wide at the bottom for my tastes), but the thing is that the more people see something like this, the more they will want to try it for themselves. And six months from now everyone will be wearing this shit, and let me tell you, few people can pull this off as well as Alicia Keys (and my step-grandmother). One more sighting of her in such an outfit will put her on Scandelirious Fashion Probation, and on the third occasion she is photographed wearing something like this in public, she will be placed on the Scandelirious Dead to Me list. So I hope you’re reading this, Alicia. You have been warned.

On the plus side, this is in many ways an upgrade from the leopard print dress she wore recently. Her hair looks great!

Oh, Drew.  Sit down. Let’s talk.

This may be a little shocking, but someone managed to take pictures of that horrible outfit you wore last weekend. Yes, the metallic purple toga one. I’m not sure what it was exactly about the whole ensemb, but most people’s reaction was even worse than that of Debra Messing’s fashion disaster from last week.

Maybe next time you should try a real dress and not something that one of Caesar’s mistresses would have worn. I’m not sure if they even had metallic togas back then, so you could have been a trendsetter, but that ship has sailed thanks to a little someone I like to call Brutus.

Anyway, that’s the least of your problems, really. Because those gloves - oh, god, those gloves -  aren’t helping you either. I know you see girls like Mary-Kate and Ashley pull off a bizarre type of goth chic, but you are not MK or A and I doubt even they would attempt to wear what you have on.

And we still haven’t accounted for the FOUR clear bracelets you have on or your hair. Is it up or is it down? Next time you should pick one and go with it. Be decisive!

Okay Drew, I hope this little chat has helped. Avoid basically everything you’ve done here. It also might be wise to eat acid after you’ve dressed yourself.

Before I start, I’d like to preface this entry by pointing out that there’s a certain someone in my life who is a great influence for me because he makes me strive to be positive all the time, especially here, but sometimes I just can’t take all the positivity and need to break down and be vicious and judgmental.

So that’s why I’m sharing this photo with you, my pretties. Here we have Blu Cantrell looking like a low-rent Paula Abdul at Hyde on August 3rd. Up until this point I would have argued that Paula herself is quite low rent - at least as far as mental capacity and sobriety is concerned - but boy oh boy does this picture prove me wrong.

Okay, so now we’ll play a little game. If you even remember who Blu is you get a point. If you noticed her hideous sparkly eye makeup, which interestingly enough almost gives the illusion that she’s crying (perhaps over her now nonexistent music career?), you get another point. And how can you miss her bright blue bra - which not only matches her hideous sparkly eye makeup but also her name (oh you are so, so clever Ms. Cantrell)? So another point there. Kind of a lame game, yes - but the less it matters, the more I care, so lame games are my middle name. Also I got mad flow, yo.

Just to jog your memory: