Entries Tagged 'Britney Spears' ↓

Wow, Britney really stepped it up last night. Just when we thought she was a lost cause, she turns around and blows us all away with this. I am having trouble putting my finger on the best part of this totally classy outfit. Could it be the mesh cutout? Nah, too easy. Perhaps it’s the mismatched Hooker Dorothy shoes? The feather turtleneck? The desperation of a former popstar turned total trainwreck? It’s so hard to say. But hey, at least she’s wearing a unitard, which means this pussycat won’t be showing hers!

Here’s the commercial for Britney’s new album. The only thing that makes this worth watching is when she sings/moans/says/whatever, “I just can’t control myself”.

Yes, Britney, we know.

Britney’s visitation rights have been suspended.

Again.

Yawn.

Well, well, well. You are actually beholding photographs of Britney Spears wearing pants and a shirt that, for the most part, fits her. Actually I won’t lie - I think she’s looking pretty great here. Part of this is because she is not toting around that tacky-looking (and most-assuredly terrified) dog. Perhaps she lost custody of London, too. Maybe it died from drinking too many frappucinos. Either way, poor London. She should give London to Ruby.

So Britney’s going in to court today, fresh off the heels of her second successful drug test (successful insofar as she was able to successfully sneak London’s urine in). She wants to get overnight visits with her children since she’s so totally an awesome mother now that she’s sober.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer, Vincent Kaplan, released this statement on the matter:

“The fact that a party, one week after a full court hearing, attempts to change the orders of the court, in the absence of an emergency or without any new facts, suggests a continued lack of respect and understanding for what an order of the court actually means.”

Oh snap! Oh, and she also aired out her vag… again… yesterday. It’s a good thing, too, because I really missed that old hag. Seriously, I just don’t get it. Does she actually like the feel of leather on her naked bum? Because I’ve never found it very appealing personally. To each his (her) own snail trail, I guess.

Edit: TMZ reports that Britney failed to show up to court today. What a winner.

Paris Hilton cares about her “best friend” Britney Spears so much that she sent her a bouquet of chocolate roses. Ha! Talk about the most back-handed present ever! Bitch isn’t trying to cheer Britney up - she’s trying to expedite homegirl’s inevitable meltdown! Brilliant.

This whole article is pure comedy. From Actress Archives:

The Simple Life’ star supported the mother-of-two through her split from Kevin Federline in November by taking her out partying in Los Angeles to forget her problems.

Paris said last year: “I love her. She is the sweetest girl I know. She’s so down-to-earth. I just want her to smile and be happy.”
Paris’ publicist Elliot Mintz insisted the pair had become so close they were like “sisters” Mintz said: “What I’ve observed is that we have two extraordinarily powerful women who generate a tremendous amount of attention, money, and adulation and they’re tired of other people trying to ride on their coat tails. Paris and Britney have become like sisters.“

You know, I never thought of it, but they really are like sisters! I know that when my sister goes out wearing shirts as dresses and losing her children because she’s addicted to drugs, I always find the time to support her by sending her a bouquet of chocolate roses. No, wait - my sister’s 14. She doesn’t do those things. And if she did, I sure as hell wouldn’t send her chocolate roses to cheer her up - I’d send her a big can of Wake The Fuck Up and Start Taking Responsibility. Kind of like a can of Whoop Ass, but with less ‘Whoop’ and more ‘You’re Ruining Your Life and Career’.

After looking really upset and then going out for a nice mexican meal, Britney lights up for the horde of paparazzi mobbing her and says,

“X17! The food is great there! Quesadillas! I’m so happy! What’s there to be upset about? I love you guys!! Party on me!!”

She sounds just like me when I’m leaving a mexican restaurant! Except I have no horde of paparazzi to mob me upon my exit, just a few lowly friends I pay to go with me and listen to my drunken musings about quesadillas and happiness.

Also, I don’t have two small children that just got taken away from me for being an irresponsible, drug addicted mother.

This is a close up of her face, which speaks for itself - this girl has replaced her children and her family with a little dog and a bunch of money-hungry strangers with cameras.

Hey guys! We’re so happy to show you the video you’ve probably already seen! It’s totally amazing! I love the part where she flips her weave around and aimlessly pops her hips in the direction of the stripper pole. And the really classy outfit she’s wearing sure is the bomb!

The best part about the whole video, though, is the post production work. It reminds me of something one of my friends created when they sat down one night and went through all the iMovie tutorials. That iWork suite really is amazing, is it not?

The effects are almost disorienting enough to make me forget that the video is a complete piece of garbage and that the star of the video is in serious, serious need of help.

See for yourself!

PS - Stop going out every night! Go to one of the three required counseling sessions you must attend before October 26! Get your shit together!!!!

What wonderful news! I can only see positive sides to this story.

To the little tykes: Good for you! Now you’re only forced to deal with your lazy daddy. And I don’t care what anyone says - lazy is better than crazy.

To Britney: Good for you! Now you can go out partying guilt-free! There are no kids to be taken away anymore! Your burden is lifted! Fly away little bird!

To London (the little dog): Sorry buddy, you get the short end of this stick. Just keep on shitting on expensive dresses and doing your thing, she’ll probably “lose custody” of you the old fashioned way soon enough. And when I say “lose custody” I really mean “sit on and/or overdose with cheetos and Red Bull”.

Digression: Do you think she gets her abs sprayed on when she goes out and about like this? I will forever question the shadows on her stomach after reports about her sprayed-on abs at the VMAs.

If you haven’t already seen Britney’s “meltdown” from a few days ago, you can see some of them here.

I just want to state for the record that for a long time I did feel sorry for her, but those days are long past. The argument that people are following her around everywhere has gotten stale. She has more than enough money to move away from the people who amplify her complete mess of a life. Perhaps it would not eliminate the exposure entirely but it would certainly help.

The bottom line is that she puts herself in these disastrous situations. Plenty of other child stars have grown up well enough to at least fake some sense of normalcy in the public eye - Christina Aguilera, Jodie Foster, Justin Timberlake.

She chooses to not wear underwear, she chooses to cut off ties with her family, she chooses to party almost every night - even during a time when the court has her under a microscope to judge her parenting skills.

There is no doubt in my mind that she is extremely troubled and needs help - and she does get my sympathy there - but how many wake up calls does it take before you relent and go to rehab for the right reasons? Really - what does it take?

So these photos of her crying, to me, are something of a very very small victory, because it might mean she’s had a fraction of a wake up call. She needs to have many, many more. Because as frustrating as it is to watch her spiral out of control and endanger the lives of her children, down deep I really just want her to get better. Sure, if that means an awesome new career comeback, I’ll be happy. It’s just starting to get tiring to keep up with the trainwreck that is Britney Spears, and the jokes are wearing thin - it’s not funny any more, and it probably never was to begin with.