Wearing a maternity frock straight out of Jennifer Lopez’s closet, Christina ‘I’m Totally Shopping for Baby Furniture And Will Never Announce My Pregnancy’ Aguilera continues to shock us all with her abhorrent eye makeup. Is she trying to overcompensate for her burgeoning belly? What is her makeup motivation? Does she think that by making her face noticeable (in the same way a flaming car wreck surrounded by midgets is noticeable) we will conveniently ignore the fact that she’s, oh, six months pregnant? That’s not how it works, dear. But if it helps you get through this difficult time of emotional mood swings and swollen feet, then go ahead and give yourself two black purple eyes. We still love you.

Hello! Scande (as I like to call it) is not, in fact, “dead”. Shame on you for thinking that, by the way. Haven’t you just had a week from hell before? I’ve driven all over the east coast, helped a friend through a massive breakup, suffered a bout of food poisoning that would make grown men cry, celebrated my lovely mother’s birthday, blacked out on bathroom floors on drinking benders - I’ve been a busy girl. But of course - OF COURSE - I still love you, dear readers. So now that things have settled down some, I have come back to you to help you sort through all the best celeb news.

Here’s Liv Tyler with her husband and son in NYC yesterday, dressed up for Halloween. Well, I’m hoping it’s for Halloween. Speaking of which, I bought three bags of candy to hand out last night and you know how many little punks showed up to take my candy? One. And I didn’t even know what the hell he was supposed to be. He looked a little like a Power Ranger but he had a light saber. WTF? And he kept talking about how I merely lived in one of two doors in a big building. Way to rub it in my face that I don’t live in a big giant house and must share the building with neighbors who either play music, watch things, or play games so loudly on the weekends that the sound throbs through the walls and past my $150 professional quality noise-blocking headphones. And way to not bring friends along. I hate Halloween.

Here’s the commercial for Britney’s new album. The only thing that makes this worth watching is when she sings/moans/says/whatever, “I just can’t control myself”.

Yes, Britney, we know.

Here’s Hilary Duff performing at the MTV Latin America 2007 Music Awards. I won’t lie, I love this girl. She may not have the most amazing vocal or acting talents but she always looks great and is obviously a hard worker. I hope Lindsay and Britney both watched this performance and died a little inside.

I think my favorite part of these photos is the keyboardist. He looks rad. The sunglasses, the keyboard, the shoes - all of it is rad.

Here’s more of Hilary looking great in her teeny tiny green mini dress:

I sure hope Suri doesn’t hurt herself or get a fever because then our little homegirl will be screwed. Those Scientologists sure are wacky when it comes to parenting:

“Parents are encouraged not to comfort or nurture young children because Hubbard believed children are small adults, able to think and fend for themselves from a very early age. For example, a child who falls and hurts himself is taken to the place where he was hurt and the injury is pressed against the object that caused it. It is believed the pain can be made to flow back into the object.

“‘That’s called a contact assist,’ Teresa Summers said. ‘There is also a fever assist. We were discouraged from seeking medical help or giving medication, even Tylenol, to bring down a fever. Instead, you get the child to hold an object still. That’s supposed to bring down the fever. When it doesn’t work, it’s because you aren’t doing it right or didn’t repeat it often enough. I tried it on my child. Naturally, it didn’t work.’”

If Suri really is simply a small adult and is able to think adult thoughts, I wonder what she thinks? “My ‘dad’ is certifiably insane.” Or maybe, “I worry that my ‘dad’ isn’t mentally stable enough to be a parent.” Or perhaps she thinks, “That crazy cult my ‘dad’ is in is sure gonna fuck me up good. Can I get a little Kahlua in this bottle maybe?”

Oh and also: if loving Katie’s tights + shoes combo is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Okay so I still think he’s like the King Of Douches but this is pretty classic.

This shape was brilliant
This shape was pure
I saw three angles, of that I am sure
And I saw three pointy corners
and then I saw three straight sides
The top was very narrow
and the base was oh so wide

(Wait! That sounds like..)

A TRIANGLEEE
MY TRIANGLEEE
OH TRIANGLEE IT’S TRUE
I saw your shape in a crowded place
Now I don’t know what to do
Cuz you’re gone and I’m so blue

(Thanks to Popbitch for the heads-up)

Britney’s visitation rights have been suspended.

Again.

Yawn.

Well, well, well. You are actually beholding photographs of Britney Spears wearing pants and a shirt that, for the most part, fits her. Actually I won’t lie - I think she’s looking pretty great here. Part of this is because she is not toting around that tacky-looking (and most-assuredly terrified) dog. Perhaps she lost custody of London, too. Maybe it died from drinking too many frappucinos. Either way, poor London. She should give London to Ruby.

Radar Magazine stays true to form with their most recent cover, a photo illustration that spoofs the famous Hollywood Issue cover with Tom Ford, Keira Knightley, and Scarlett Johansson with presidential hopefuls. Rudy Guliani sits in for Ford, Hillary Clinton takes Keira’s place, and a bootylicious Barack Obama stretches out in Scarlett’s spot. Well played, Radar.