Entries from October 2007 ↓

The usually frightfully outlandish Juliette Lewis dresses appropriately for the Rolling Stone Hot List party last night.

Random Juliette Lewis fact: She’s a scientologist. WTF? Where have I been? I didn’t know this. It explains a lot, but also poses quite a few new questions in the process..

After looking really upset and then going out for a nice mexican meal, Britney lights up for the horde of paparazzi mobbing her and says,

“X17! The food is great there! Quesadillas! I’m so happy! What’s there to be upset about? I love you guys!! Party on me!!”

She sounds just like me when I’m leaving a mexican restaurant! Except I have no horde of paparazzi to mob me upon my exit, just a few lowly friends I pay to go with me and listen to my drunken musings about quesadillas and happiness.

Also, I don’t have two small children that just got taken away from me for being an irresponsible, drug addicted mother.

This is a close up of her face, which speaks for itself - this girl has replaced her children and her family with a little dog and a bunch of money-hungry strangers with cameras.

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First, you should know that this was my first Ken doll:

That is not my actual doll. I found that picture on a website that’s a real testament to the power of the Internet. But that’s not the point.

The point is that in this photo full of stand-out individuals — the idyllic Natalie Portman in an iffy red-orange frock, Jason Schwartzman being ineffably Schwartzmanesque, Roman Coppola aping Wes Anderson’s 1970s fashion sense and feeling disproportionately pleased with the result, Owen Wilson out in public for the first time since The Incident and hiding his wrists — it is critically acclaimed actor-turned-rapper Adrien Brody who is so clearly that which does not belong.

For chrissake, the guy is wearing an iridescent suit — possibly made of actual satin. He had to see it, try it on, have it tailored to fit, and choose to wear it to this event. And yet he looks completely aloof, as if he’s unaware of and not at all interested in what he’s wearing, or, for that matter, that he’s on a stage.

He looks exactly like a middle school skater boy being told for the fiftieth time not to wax the benches by the bus turnaround — only dressed up in a show choir costume.

Hey guys! We’re so happy to show you the video you’ve probably already seen! It’s totally amazing! I love the part where she flips her weave around and aimlessly pops her hips in the direction of the stripper pole. And the really classy outfit she’s wearing sure is the bomb!

The best part about the whole video, though, is the post production work. It reminds me of something one of my friends created when they sat down one night and went through all the iMovie tutorials. That iWork suite really is amazing, is it not?

The effects are almost disorienting enough to make me forget that the video is a complete piece of garbage and that the star of the video is in serious, serious need of help.

See for yourself!

PS - Stop going out every night! Go to one of the three required counseling sessions you must attend before October 26! Get your shit together!!!!

As recently as two weeks ago, Jennifer Lopez was chatting with US Weekly and denying pregnancy “rumors”. I’m not quite sure what to make of this growing protrusion on her stomach, then. (Eez not a tumah?) Sure looks like a baby bump to me!

“If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president. It’s kind of a pipe dream, it’s a personal fantasy of mine, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it’s the party of women and ‘We’ll pay for health care and tuition and day care — and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?’”

-Ann Coulter

In an effort to out-rebound Kate Moss, apparently Pete Doherty has apparently  gotten engaged to that model he’s been dating Irina Lazarean. The rumor is that she was heard backstage at a Paris fashion show this week talking about being engaged.

She then proceeded to explain that instead of giving her real diamond engagement ring, he instead opted to make trackmarks on her in the shape of a ring to symbolize his everlasting love for her.

Rocking totally awesome hair and an even awesomer bruising of the facial flesh, Perez Hilton showed up at some douchey awards thing in LA Tuesday night.

The best comment I’ve read about this: “You know you are a failing humanity when you are the biggest shithead in that picture.”

My vote is that it was Adrianne Curry did it.

Did I mention dear sweet Perez had a BLACK EYE last night? Wonder who gave him a little kiss? All this guy does is talk shit about me, and everyone else. GET A LIFE! He hates anyone who isn’t as miserable inside as he is. This guy has the balls to say I am classless? RIIIIGHT. This is coming from a guy who got famous for DRAWING DICKS AND CUM ON THE FACES OF CELEBRITIES! Class fucking act, Perez, Class act! I’m sure the white house wants you over for dinner. When this douchebag sat in front of me last night, all I could feel was his negative energy. Who made fun of you growing up, Perez? Did they hurt you so bad that you now have to hurt others to make yourself feel better?

She raises good points but fails to understand that by writing in her Myspace blog about how lame and douchey Perez his, she is not only fueling his fire but also revealing herself to be almost as lame for caring enough to write about it in her Myspace blog. Which still leaves me the lamest of all, because both of the aforementioned lamers both have much, much more money than me and can afford to be lame on the internet all day - I, however, just enjoy it. Damn.

Anyway, as for our favorite ridiculous looking sell-out celebrity gossip blogger, I don’t find him offensive or annoying as much as I do interesting. He really is a phenomenon. As vapid as his “reporting” may be, his presence in pop culture as an entertainment blogger is unprecedented and it’s really interesting to watch someone who is famous for drawing cum and coke dots on peoples faces get their own show and be a household name. His blog sucks though.

And that word is ‘cocaine’.*

Because nothing says “My perfume smells like what it feels like to stay up all night wearing glamorous gowns snorting rails the size of your leg” like penthouses, waify women in glamorous gowns, and above all: Blondie’s Heart of Glass.

Once again, you win, David Lynch. Best. Commercial. Ever.

*Don’t be sad if you guessed ‘acid’. Easy mistake.