People we have no patience for: Heidi Montag

Yes, Heidi, we see your enormous diamond.

Let me preface this by saying that I am a resolute non-viewer of “The Hills” and/or “Laguna Beach.” I’m not saying I wouldn’t be into it if I gave it a chance, I just like the feeling of moral superiority I get from having no idea what Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, or Spencer “apparently really is a” Pratt did to earn such dogged coverage by “People” and “Us.”

But I’ve just shown my cards — I obviously know who these people are. However, my distance from their drama gives me some perspective on their situation, I think. And my perspective is this: it’s all fake. According to Perez, Jason Wahler claimed on the radio that the show is pretty much all fake, but the off-screen drama between “LC” and Hedi and Spencer is real. Bah! Of course it’s fake! It’s a really bad feud, too, because NO ONE thinks Heidi and Spencer are the good guys. “Us” recently took a poll asking whose “team” readers were on, and LC got something like 97 percent of the votes.

Hear this now, “Hills” fans: Heidi and Spencer are villains. Just look at them:

Spencer Pratt’s face is maniacally cherubic, and Heidi’s, uh, negligee underscores her juxtaposition to good-girl LC. These are not people you are supposed to like.

Game, set, match. LC wins; time to move on.