Avril’s guide to increasing public approval rating in 5 easy steps

Sometimes it’s hard being a celebrity. Really, really hard. It’s hard writing your own music. Hard pronouncing a music icon’s last name. Hard being nice to the people who get you press, who in turn keep your small pool of prepubescent fans happy. Sometimes it’s so hard that a girl has to do a little damage control, and that’s why we at Scandelirious want to help! So sit back, pull up a chair, and let us help you, Avril.

 

1. Dye some hair pink. People like pink. Pink is friendly! How could you not like the color pink? It really is the best damn thing.

2. Go out with friends, and this is important: BE NICE TO THE PAPARAZZI. This means you’ll have to smile. Fake it if you have to, just smile.

3. The good news is you’ll only have to fake it for a little while, just until you’re drunk. After you get drunk it’s smoooooth sailing.

4. The next day, go out for a delicious frap with a friend. It’s very important that you bring a friend (the friend should be female and, if possible, she should wear a short skirt) because it makes you look social, like people actually want to hang out with you even when they’re sober. Try to look as buddy-buddy as possible - skip if you have to. You’re trying to make people think that you are fun and friendly! A fun and friendly person would skip.

5. Go on faking that smile again, sweetness. Your friend doesn’t have to smile, though. No one cares about her, especially if she’s wearing that short skirt I mentioned above. No one will be looking at her face. Even if she’s completely disgusted to be seen with you and struggles to compose herself (see image #4). This is all about you, Avril - you sweet, talented, genuine, lovely person, you.

That’s all we got, babe. In all honesty, chances are this won’t really help much, people pretty much hate you. But don’t say we didn’t try! Because here at Scandelirious, the less you matter - the more we care. That is (sort of) our motto, anyway.