An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Listen, you’re young and you’re stupid. You’ve got a magnetic presence, and that makes people fawn over you. Your parents are apparently crazy and acrimoniously divorced, but so are lots of other people’s. You live in Hollywood and act in films, and that would give any reasonable person the false impression that they are godlike. We can totally see how you are a product of your environment and why you have apparently lost your grip on reality. But hear this now: you are just as human an unimportant as the rest of us, this open letter notwithstanding.

So we propose this: you come over, and we’ll load up the freezer with ice cream and bagel bites and spend about a month watching Gilmore Girls and West Wing reruns. ‘Cause you really need to chill out. You don’t need to spend any more time in rehab. You’re not crazy; you’re just 21 in L.A. You’re no more or less irresponsible and erratic than every other 21-year-old in college towns across America, except you’ve got the money to rise above your peers’ beer ponging and water bonging to truly impressive levels of unbridled debauchery. Us plebes don’t go to rehab; we fail freshman bio and are forced to come to grips with our own mortality.

But you Hollywood types don’t go to college. You go to Les Deux and Hyde and Teddy’s and Area or wherever is hot this week. You flash your snatch for the cameras, you have ridiculous feuds over boys more vapid than college geeks, you drive drunk or high or just stupid every night, and apparently you go on coke binges and fire your assistants and chase their mothers in huge black SUVs in the wee hours of the morning. Failing freshman bio would do you all some good. (And in your case, freshman composition would also be really helpful.)

It is our conviction that the last thing you need is a therapist reinforcing your ego-centricism by listening to you talk about your problems and helping you face your “addiction.” Addiction is a serious disease that has devastated almost every family in America in some form or other. You? You’re 21. You need to sit still for a five minutes and focus on something other than yourself. Get outside your head for a while. It would probably make you feel a lot better. There’s a lot of pressure associated with being the center of the universe. Lucky for you, you’re not.

So, seriously, we have tons of TV on DVD, and we make a mean double-chocolate milkshake. And in spite of everything, we all want to see you triumph. Britney Spears is train wreck too, but no one is really all that surprised about her. You, on the other hand, seem so full of life and potential. So we’re all holding out hope you can go the way of Drew Barrymore. Maybe you could call her. She seems like she’d be good for DVDs and ice cream, too.

Love,

Team Scandelirious